When The Loneliness Gets to Be A Bit Much!

My parents' divorced when I was 6 or 7 years old. I was crushed, I think that I may have even had a nervous breakdown. I couldn't stop crying, everything hurt. It even hurt to breathe. Later all of that pain would manifest itself in anger, rage and being downright suicidal but even in that I still held out hope that one day I'd be married. One day I would have a family of my own.

I spent my twenties trying to find my way and I allowed the mistakes of others to coward me into a life of mediocrity. But I was too proud to openly admit that I wanted to be married. I didn't want to appear too vulnerable or weak. In my thirties, I had had enough of being lied to and lying to myself but my rush to make things happen by having my children out of wedlock only complicated things and frustrated me more. I love my babies but I know that they deserve a father as well as a mother. I played myself and sold myself short by playing the role of a concubine instead of waiting to be a wife.

As I approach 40, I am still holding out hope that one day my prince will come but my hope is fading and I have been asking God lately whether or not it is truly His will for me to even be married. My grandfather used to tell my cousins and me that we should ask God for what we wanted in a husband and I've been doing that since I was about 15 years old. I look back over my life and I see guys who wanted to get with me but I wouldn't give them the time of day for one reason or another, now I wonder if I may have missed out on a good thing. Only God knows for sure and only time will tell. But right now, I'm lonely. The kind of loneliness that if left unchecked can grow into desperation, and Lord knows that I can't go out like that ever again. Never, ever make a decision out of desperation or fear! Trust me, if you do, you WILL regret it! I've been praying more and meditating more on the Word. When I pray, my knees aren't good enough, I have to lay prostrate before the Lord. I keep hearing "wait" in my spirit, so wait I shall!

But Abba, please help me to wait on you to give me new strength like an eagle (Isaiah 40:31), You also said that if I wait on You that I would not be made ashamed (Isaiah 30:18). I know there a lot of single mothers who feel what I feel especially those that have never been married and are my age. For those who are younger you wonder, hope and pray that you won't end up like me but that you'll be happily married by the time you're almost 40 whatever the case, I am praying that God will meet your needs as well as my own according to His will and that we will not desire anything that is not apart of His perfect plan for our lives and our childrens' lives or frustrate the awesome things that He so lovingly has in store for us who have the audacity to love Him!

Be abundantly blessed!

Mediocrity hates greatness...be great and let the haters hate!

Mocha Brown aka Koretta L. Allen is available for public speaking engagements especially pertaining to subjects of single parenthood, being single, women's empowerment through the word of God and much more. Mochababybrown@gmail.com