After training to go into ministry from the age of 18 to the age of 30, I got totally burnt out on church and practically anything to do with the church. I couldn't figure out why I could go to work and share the same space with individuals, most of whom were by no means or stretch of the imagination Christians but who would treat me with dignity and respect after 8 hours a day and sometimes longer with overtime. But I could go to church and these people who could dance and shout around the church, speak in tongues, even preach could not find it within themselves (by the way they were claiming that Christ was in them) to be remotely civil or respectful let alone loving and compassionate! When I read through the gospels and I read about Christ and his behavior towards others, the only people Christ ever went off on or got upset with were the disciples because of their hard hearts and the Pharisees and other teachers of religious law because of their legalism or loveless religion.
I made a horrible mistake by leaving the church and through my offense and hurt I decided that I would pretty much live life on my own terms. My exact words were "I am a grown-a*% woman! I don't have to go to church anymore and be treated like crap!" Please understand that I had grown up in the church nearly all of my life. I had given my life to the Lord at the age of six after my parents' divorce and after being violently sexually abused by my grandparents' foster son. I received the gift of the Holy Spirit when I was 9 years old at an old fashioned tent revival. I was hungry for God and began chasing Him because of the hurt that I felt and I knew that Jesus was the only one who could make things right in me. I began reading my Bible on a daily basis, I began praying and later on I began fasting as well. People I didn't even know would come up to me and tell me how they could see God using me and blessing me. Several people told me that they could see God's anointing on my life. I didn't know exactly what all of that meant but it was exciting to think that God would see any use for me because I felt so damaged and alone even at the age of 9. Also understand that because my mother was a divorcee (this was in the '70's) and my grandfather was a church elder, she herself was considered the black sheep of her family and to other church folk. I was insistent that I would make God the center of my life but because I didn't know what that entailed and because my mother and the people around me were themselves trying to impress other people, I was never given a clear concept of making God the center of my life and instead fell into the trap of making religion the center without quite realizing what I had done. I thought that I was just fine but I wasn't and my choices in the future would reveal just how jacked up I truly was. With that being said, after I had left the church I decided that I wanted a family. It was the one thing that I had wanted my whole life since my parents separated when I was 3. Low and behold, I met this great looking guy. He seemed to be everything that I had been looking for in a man. He was intelligent, articulate, and he was a professional. He was a lot like me in that he was a nerd. He loved opera, I love opera. He loved movies, I love movies. We hit it off really well and I thought that he was the one but because I had chosen to live life on my own terms, I jumped the gun, jumped into bed after years of celibacy, and got pregnant with my daughter. I felt a lot of guilt and shame because although I was 30 years old because of my background everyone became even more critical of my life. Keep in mind that most of these people were the same folk who had their mouths all over my life when I was in church, teaching bible study and singing in the choir!
Note: If you are living your life to please people, you will never be happy because they will never be pleased!
I would sometimes break down and cry, rub my belly and apologize to my daughter for bringing her into the world the way that I did. God blessed me to give birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl who has been my inspiration to do so many positive things with my life since then. Well, after still squinting my eyes at the church and feeling even more isolated than ever as a single parent. I left the church again and around this time my daughter's father and I broke up because of some very serious deal-breaker activity in his life. I was hurt and feeling abandoned from every side: family, friends, etc. You name it, my name appeared to be Mud. It was then that I met my son's father and I knew that I wasn't ready for a relationship because I was still hung up on my daughter's father but I engaged in a sexual relationship with him despite my better judgment and that resulted in my becoming pregnant with my son. What I did was not wise by any means. It was selfish, irresponsible and just down right foolish! But I find it funny that a lot of the bible-thumping, hell-fire and brimstone, Christians who are so into being pro-life are the main individuals who are wagging their judgmental index fingers and giving the "nice-nasty" look of pity to single mothers such as myself.
Abortion grazed my mind in both cases because after realizing the depth of the "single mother" stigma I didn't want to be judged anymore but I ultimately knew that abortion was a decision that I couldn't live with knowing what I knew about abortion and the after effects of abortion on the mental, psychological and emotional health of the women who get them. Sure, I could've done it and there would be no outward evidence of my disobedience to God but if no one else knew, God and I would know what I did and I didn't want to further distance myself from God and I had already been battling suicide since I was a teenager (an abortion would've probably sent me over the edge). But now I have two beautiful healthy children, my daughter is 6 and my son is 3 and I love them and I see them as a wonderful revelation of God's grace in my life. Instead of allowing me to destroy myself through my rebellion, He gave me two great kids who have inspired me to be a better person and to serve God more diligently and faithfully than ever before.
The Pharisees and other teachers of religious law were judgmental, legalistic, carnal beings who said that they believed God and even taught the Word of God but when His Son came to earth to redeem them from sin they didn't recognize Him because they were too full of themselves. Most so-called Christians (they are actually just church folk, if Jesus was anywhere in them they wouldn't be so critical and judgmental of others) are no better than the Pharisees that Jesus chastised on a frequent basis in scripture because they failed to express who God truly was: a God who is a loving father, full of love, compassion and grace! He disciplines us as is necessary but He is by no means is some mean, ruthless, critical God who is looking from His throne disdainfully at us instead He sent Jesus because He loves us! Most so-called Christians filling the pews today have no love, no compassion and yet they would have the world believe that they represent Christ. Do they really? The Jesus Christ of the bible had compassion on people and despite their obvious sin, He still loved them. He is said to have hung out with the "worse kind of sinners" and when the Pharisees and teachers of religious law saw Him fellowshiping with the tax collectors, prostitutes, etc. they asked the disciples why would he consort with such scum. Jesus replies in Matthew 9:13 (NLT) "I have come to call not those who think they are righteous but those who know they are sinners." Matthew 15:7-9 (NLT) Jesus said, "You hypocrites! Isaiah was right when he prophesied about you, for he wrote, 'These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship is a farce for they teach man-made ideas as commands from God." I make no excuses for myself. Fornication is a sin indeed but church folk who are so contemptuously looking down their noses at me and women like me must first repent of the sin of condemnation and being judgmental in their own lives. Many of these church folk "pin flowers" on themselves for saving babies from abortion and yet the mothers who are responsible for not aborting their children are being treated like social pariah because the sin they have committed is so obvious! These ignorant hypocrites fail to understand that it is individuals like them that compel a young woman to consider abortion in the first place because they do not want to live with the stigma of being a single mother who became a single mother because of the sin of fornication. If I were still a weaker Christian I would allow these modern day Pharisees to run me away from the church, I might've even allowed their silly scowls and raised eyebrows to make me feel as if my only option was an abortion and therefore forfeit my blessings and intimate relationship with God. No way! I have been through too much & no one, I don't care who they are is going to keep me from being blessed and having a healthy relationship with my Redeemer or being proud and appreciating the gorgeous children that He blessed me to bring into the world! Although they are definitely counterproductive to Body of Christ, these Pharisees serve a dual purpose: they remind me that I need to be compassionate and loving towards others who have obviously at some point been out of sync with the will of God or who might not look like I do or talk like I do or act like I do. (For ALL have sinned and have come short of the glory of God!). They show me who I don't want to be like but they also compel me to show up every time the church doors are open "with bells" on! Either they'll begin to behave like real Christians and pray for me and my children and (not some holier than thou, self-righteous, religious prayer either!) or they'll fall away into the sea of their own sin. May the presence of me and my two children praising and worshipping God as a family, convict and compel them to know God in a greater way.
Mediocrity hates greatness...be great and let the haters hate!
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