I was driving down the freeway doing the speed limit (I do that to stay out of trouble - I hate being pulled over by the cops!) and this car was tailgating the heck out of me! I got upset and started to accelerate when I heard The Spirit saying "Don't allow the car in back of you dictate how you drive. You're in front maintain your stance and don't react." That was one of the greatest revelations I have ever had!
Sometimes out of pride and insecurity, we behave on a purely emotional and reactionary level and that's why we end up in a great deal of the messes that we end up having to endure. Stop allowing your pride, insecurity and the yelling at you from outsiders dictate to you how you live your life. Even your family and friends can't always tell you what's best for you b/c a lot of times they don't even know what's best for themselves! You should be seeking God's will for your life and if you don't know God's will for your life then how would you expect anyone else to know? You have to put in time w/Jesus and seek Him through prayer, reading the inspired Word of God and if necessary, fasting. Sometimes you have to be willing to do something you've never done in order to have something you've never had.
The rear view mirror is only important to use to look behind you when you are backing out of someplace or when you are switching lanes it is not necessary to watch the driver behind to the extent that you allow them to dictate the way you drive especially when you are obeying traffic laws. It's the same in God's kingdom, outsiders to your life can't always provide the helpful prospective that you may need. You are lost so you ask this one and that one and no one has the answers. Then you're looking back and your fear of what's behind you is greater than the possibly bright future that you have ahead of you. But if you keep looking through the rear view mirror and taking to heart the misguided opinions of others you could very well end up off in a ditch, in an accident that could seriously hurt you or someone else or you could end up violating the law of God b/c you gave priority to what was behind instead of paying attention to the road ahead. "I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead." Philippians 3:13.
Be blessed!!!
Mediocrity hates greatness...be great and let the haters hate!
Why You Shouldn't Live Life Through the Rearview Mirror
I'm Learning to Decrease...Less Is More!
I do not have a lot to say today which probably not a bad thing since I have a tendency to be long-winded and I know that all too well! But as I go along this way I am learning to abandon Mocha's ways for God's ways and surrender all that I am to Him because He can do more with me than I can. I have a tendency despite my best intentions, to jack things up royally! It's not easy and this has been a nearly 30 year process and it wasn't until I accepted accountability for my actions and stopped playing the role of a helpless victim that I began to see clearly that I was the obstacle in my way. All too often we want to blame others external to us for our failures and shortcomings; our trials and disappointments but all too often we are the reason why we are not blessed.
The Father did not create us to be victims, He would cease to be God! What would He have to gain by purposely denying us blessing? Because we choose our will over His will over and over again, He is still graceful and merciful to us but we can't experience the fullness of this life as it was meant to be if we don't allow Him to take His rightful place as King and Lord over our thoughts, our ways and our actions. We are only here in this world occupying these earthsuits for a short time, why not decrease so that He can increase and show Himself strong in our lives! It's a win-win-win situation! We become blessed, we are able to better bless others and it blesses God to bless us and have us bless others! It brings Him glory and praise! It is the ultimate in worship and all it takes is the acknowledgment that you unlike God, are falliable whereas God is infalliable and that in His infallibility can make things right in you. All too often people pray to be humbled and they pray for humility but The Word of God says for us to "humble ourselves". That basically means that He has already equipped you with what you need to get out of yourself, transcend pride and humbly embrace Him! HE IS LOVE! Now allow His love for you to change you and show you just how awesome and great He created you to be!
Be abundantly, overwhelmingly blessed!
Mediocrity hates greatness...so be great and let the haters hate!
Isaiah 54:17
He Has the Last Say-So!
When I was pregnant with my son, I was feeling condemned but I also felt overwhelming change on the horizon and the uncertainty of my future concerned me. There was a song on the local gospel station by an artist by the name of Kim Rutherford called "Last Say So". I was concerned but comforted by the lyrics that said "Our God stands alone and He takes care of His own." It goes on to say "He allows things to run their course, have no fear. God is in control." I knew that my life was such a mess that something had to give and I could feel it. I just prayed that God would protect my two beautiful babies and me. Little did I know that within a matter of 10 months I would be in a homeless shelter with my two children. I was by no means where I should've been in my relationship with the Lord but I had this confidence: that no matter what God would not forsake us! Others, including family members, friends,church people had forsaken us but I had an unexplainable peace. I first became homeless in central Ohio and I figured that anytime my children and I could be without a place to call home in a city where I had so-called friends and family members (who were in actuality nothing more than relatives, I'll elaborate in a later post)that it was time for us to leave. I had spent some time in Southern California in the early 2000's and longed to return. I longed for years to return there to live and raise my children. It was such a strong desire that I actually felt like there was a magnet in my chest that was drawing me in that direction.
So on what I thought was a whim but was actually the Hand of God, I called my dad who didn't raise me and who had never been dependable or reliable on any level.
My parents divorced when I was 5 or 6 years old because my father simply decided that he didn't want to be married anymore. But he ran from paying child support to the point that for a full seven years of my childhood my mother, brothers and I didn't know if he was dead or alive! However, for some divine reason I called him because I knew he had relatives in Southern California and although I didn't know these people, I figured that if I could just get a helping hand from someone, anyone then I could get on my feet and be successful. I had no doubt about that. Well, he said he had a niece out there and he wired money for me and my kids to leave and go out to California. We got out to California and we lived with my dad's niece, my cousin for three months and then she kicked me out and we ended up in a shelter in Southern California. I could've broken down and wallowed in self-pity but I understood one thing, God had me and that I was being made. This was my "boot-camp" experience to make me a true soldier for Christ.
For too long I had made the horrible mistake of just settling. My motivations were all twisted and messed up. I spent years trying to please other people never realizing until this "boot camp" experience that people will never be pleased and that God's plan and purpose for my life is wrapped up in Him and honoring Him with my life not trying to please people especially close family members. If I had never gone through that experience I would probably be dead or crazy! Because I was leaving so far outside of God's will for my life that I could've easily been destroyed by the poor choices that I was making. I probably even deserved death and destruction, Oh but God! My Abba, in His wonderful, infinite mercy spared my life, my mind and kept my family intact through all of it! And guess what? It's not over! I'm still being made but I am so grateful for His grace and mercy that saw me through that experience of being a homeless, single mother. We have a home now, thank God! I have a car and a job that I love and two beautiful, healthy children and it is all thanks to God! It compels me to seek Him even more! I can not more effectively articulate just how much I love Him! He brought me through what was one of the lowest points of my life. I now understand that regarding everything else that concerns me, He has the very last say so! Not people, not situations, not circumstances (I know this isn't proper sentence structure but...) absolutely nothing outside of Christ determines my worth, my purpose and most of all my reality in Christ!
I'm in tears now and I feel like shouting! I just might get up and do little dance but be abundantly blessed!
Mediocrity hates greatness...be great and let the haters hate!
God is Faithful & You Can Certainly Trust Him...
But that's not the question! The question is are YOU faithful to God and can He trust YOU to trust Him? Can He trust you to be faithful after He answers your prayers and blesses you? Can He trust you to cling to Him with the understanding that He is the True and Living God who delivers you and who will supply all of your needs according to His riches in glory through Christ Jesus? People are always talking about trusting God, even me! But God has never done anything for you not to trust Him. Can you be trusted to do as you have been mandated which is to love your neighbor as you love yourself? And to do to others what you would have them do to you? God is faithful and He is bound by the honor of His name. The name that is above all names! But what about you? Is there any honor in you?
Often times, and it is quite ironic, we jack things up on our own or we defy God by the choices we make and then when all hell breaks loose we want to blame God! How silly is that? You mess things up but somehow God is to blame? Yes, He is omnipotent, omniscient, and all of that but what are you? Who are you? Whose are you? To whom do you belong? The beautiful thing about God is that He graciously gave us the will to choose, so if your choices are out of sync for His plan and purpose for your life then that is a "you" issue, simply meaning, you are the problem not Him! God will allow it to work for your good if you let Him otherwise you'll be stuck in life's inertia and thereby sentenced to a life of mediocrity. Who wants that? The Lord said in Revelation that He will spew the lukewarm out of His mouth and mediocrity is nothing more than being lukewarm! Mediocre people are also miserable people. I knew that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life as a miserable, mediocre person so I made a conscious decision about 6 years ago that some changes had to be made. My life had become a train wreck! But I knew that the mess I was in was a mess that I created and I had to get my life right especially since at that time I had my daughter. Certain events in life will help you to progress and grow if you allow them. Becoming a parent inspired me to get my act together because I didn't want to mess up my children's lives. As it is being homeless for two years with them in tow was difficult enough to watch them live through. But I was the the reason we were homeless, I depended too much on other people and not enough on God. If I had put my trust in God instead of putting my trust in people I am certain that homelessness and poverty would've never become a reality for me and my children.
Stop questioning God and check yourself out. The whole purpose of life is praise and progression. You were created to be a vessel of praise and worship unto God, in EVERYTHING you do and in all that you are! Secondly, if your life is not a journey of progression but rather you have gotten in one place and camped out there then you are not progressing and you are either stagnant or regressing. You are here in this world to become a better person than you were yesterday, last week, last month, last year. If you can genuinely, in your self evaluation say that your life has not changed and that you are the same as you were five years ago and you're still making the same mistakes that you were making five years ago, it's a problem somewhere and the problem is not God! What are you doing with the gifts, talents, abilities and resources that God has given you? Where are you in your relationship with Him? God did not create you to be a victim so if anyone external to you is the reason why your life isn't where it should be, you need to grow up and accept responsibility for what you're doing to contribute to the problem.
Finally when we stand before God one day to be accountable for the deeds that we have done in our bodies, He's not trying to hear how your mama neglected you; your daddy abandoned you; you were poor; you didn't have the advantages that someone else had. He's just going to simply say "Depart from me. I don't know you!" Because no matter what you are or have been going through The Word clearly states that NOTHING can separate us from the love of God! So if you separate yourself from the love of God based on the bad choices that you made that seemed good at the time but didn't work out or because you wanted what you wanted and God didn't bless what you wanted (because He knows what you can handle and probably had some far better thing in store for you), now you're angry and disappointed but You didn't have the strength, fortitude and courage to trust and wait on God; you don't have the right on any level to get mad at God. I know that from experience! I wasn't suppose to be a single mother but because I went my own way, I am raising two beautiful children who deserve a father, as a single mother. God didn't do that, I did! When I became homeless, I couldn't blame God. I knew that my train wreck of a life could only be made right, by giving up and relinquishing everything that I am to Him and trusting Him to work things out! But it shouldn't have taken such a mess for me to get my act together. I knew better but I was too comfortable in the state of misery that I was in. The Lord even revealed to me just before it happened that I would have to stop just allowing life to happen to me but I allowed fear and complacency to send me rock bottom. But when I woke up in a homeless shelter with my two babies; out in the rain with my two babies; hanging out in the park with my two babies because we were homeless and could not go back to the shelter until the evening, I somehow acquired the supernatural faith to believe and know that God had better things for me and my babies. My situation was self-engineered but I knew that God would use it to put me where I should have been all along in my relationship with Him.
I know that we live in a pass-the-buck society. No one is to blame for anything. No one is responsible for anything anymore. It's always the devil, society's, the media's, the church's, our mother's, our father's, or God's fault and we have become such a cowardly society of victims that it is just all too convenient to lay the blame at the feet of anyone and everyone else but us! What a shame! You have been given power, authority and dominion in the earth and over your flesh through the Holy Spirit. We have access to the mind and Spirit of the Most High, True and Living God, there aren't anymore excuses. So now what are you going to do with what you just read? I am praying that you will allow Christ to work out in you whatever He needs to so that you will be the person of excellence and greatness that He has created you to be. Be blessed and know that this Word is as much for me as it is for you!
Mediocrity hates greatness...so be great and let the haters hate!
Is He In You?
I am just recently getting my life back on track! I come from a very conservative, Pentacostal background and I love the foundation of the denomination that I grew up in but I'm so glad that I got into The Word for myself from a young child. I received the gift of the Holy Spirit when I was 9 years old. I'll never forget it, there was a revival at church and I had gotten saved when I was 6 yrs old so I heard the evangelist explain the difference between just being saved and receiving the Holy Ghost. He preached out of the book of Revelation that night and as is the case most times when a kid hears someone preach from the book of Revelation, it has a tendency to scare you a little but I was more fascinated than scared and that fascination is what moved me to crave The Word of God. I began reading Revelation and from that I sincerely began to hunger to know more so I started reading the Bible from Genesis to Revelation, 3 chapters a night before I would go to bed and after I would say my prayers. I loved The Word and was so enamored with The Lord that I would even sleep with my bible under my pillow! But as I grew older and increased in wisdom through revelation of the Holy Spirit, I began to see where a lot of the things that my church's denomination taught that were nothing more than religious musings and opinions that were based on a legalistic concept of salvation. So you had girls who were wearing no make up (b/c it was a "sin"- considered vain and Jezebelesque), long dresses and skirts down to their ankles (b/c that was a "sin" - it was a misinterpretation of a the Levitical scripture which discourages women wearing attire pertaining to a man) and going to functions such as basketball games, or movie theatres b/c that was "sitting in the seat of the scornful" but they were committing fornication, adultery, gluttony, gossiping, backbiting, lying, stealing and some of their attitudes were just downright NASTY! As I got older and learned The Word through enlightenment of the Holy Spirit for myself, by the time I was 16, 17 years old, I knew enough of The Word for myself to begin asking questions and if the responses I was provided did not line up with The Word of God that I knew for myself then I knew that the response was a carnal, legalistic opinion and not anything that legitimately had anything to do with a person's salvation.
Well, at the age of 18, after receiving several prophecies and having dreams and visions of going into ministry...I ran! Yes, I ran, was still trying to live saved but I wanted no part of the ministry because I really didn't feel worthy. But when I finally gave up, after years of teaching Bible study and decided to accept the calling on my life, the denomination that I grew up in just wasn't where I knew that I could grow because they were so wrapped up in their pharisaic concept of the church and holiness that they would not let go of man-made tradition to embrace true freedom in Christ especially where it concerned women in the ministry. Everything about God was angry and judgmental because looking back, these people were angry and judgmental! It was so ironic because instead of being made in the image of God these church people tried to re-make God in their image. I know that's deep but this denomination (as is the case with a lot of churches with their religious concept who are under the "pentacostal" banner) left the bondage of the world to be held by the bondage of religion! I left that denomination to start attending a non-denominational church, that church was on the other end of the spectrum in that it seemed to lack structure. The pastor taught The Word concisely and practically and yet it lacked such structure that the atmosphere was more of that of a country club than that of a church body seeking to do the work of The Kingdom. I believe that there were some sincerely saved individuals at both of these churches however where they resembled each other was in their focal point. The focus was some place other than The Word of God and having a true relationship w/God as Lord, friend and father, they were simply gathering places with little to no power. They were the congregations where people would go to see and be seen, to be known and be in the know! In 2001, I got fed up with church, church people, and even who I had become in the church in allowing the attitudes of church people to influence me, I left the church! I got tired of being offended by church people who could treat others like garbage and then turn around and speak in tongues, prophesy, preach, teach and shout all over the church! But they had no love and no power and neither did I! I was struggling with depression and for years I was suicidal. I wanted to know God in fullness but because I would not let go of some unhealthy things in my life, I couldn't grow. So I thought that the best thing that I could do was leave! I told my story in the first posting as to what happened during that span of approximately 5-6 years but to sum it up I had two kids out of wedlock by two different men. After the birth of my son, I ran to God. I realized that if I didn't attempt to re-establish a relationship with God that I would end up either physically dead before my time or spiritually dead. Shortly after that I went on a journey of homelessness and poverty that I had only heard about but never experienced and never thought that I would experience in my own life especially with my children. But I had to come to grips with several things at this time the first and most important was that God was not the one who offended me and that just because people had offended me and hurt me that was no reason to abandon God and everything I had known from a child to be true in His Word. So I began to pray more, read my Bible more, fast for the first time in years, and finally go to church. By this time I was living in Southern California and I had been blessed with an awesome, powerful church family but no sooner than I attempted to put down roots there that God compelled me to return to central Ohio to help my mom who was having her own struggles. The experience of returning to central Ohio after being so satisfied with where I was in Southern California: my career was about to take off there, I was on the verge of getting the apartment that I wanted and most importantly to me, I loved my church. But now I see that the challenge was to see if I was more in love w/God than my church enough to obey Him and return to a place where my life had been a total wreck not to mention there were a lot of people in Ohio who had hurt and lied on me and I wasn't thrilled about confronting or dealing with any of that. But I was obedient and returned to central Ohio and I drifted for a little while because I fell back into the anger and questioning God about having to return to a place that had promised myself that I would never return to. I wasn't going to church consistently. I joined one church but the pastor was within years of my age and I needed someone who was a little more seasoned in life and the ministry. The church that I am now preparing to join (I have to attend the membership class), I never would've imagined that I would end up at this church. This church is the largest church in central Ohio and quite possibly all of Ohio but after interning their for television production, I saw why this church was so influential and prolific. People are always ragging on so-called mega churches but if they are teaching and preaching the truth of the gospel, functioning and contributing positively to the community and you are spiritually mature enough to deal with not having your pastor at your disposal because you understand your access to Christ in you, then I don't see or understand what the problem is, but that's for another post.
I had to let you know about that aspect of my journey because I had to realize that it didn't matter what other people did or what they do to me. It's not about me, I am the temple of the Holy Spirit and because of that I can overcome ANY offense! Yes, there are modern day pharisees in the church who are busy wagging their index fingers at people and condemning people to hell but God hasn't condemned me to hell! So who cares what they think! I am so glad to know that because of Jesus, the Father, my Abba has found me worthy of inhabiting and it's because of that fact that I dare not ever again in life abandon God and forfeit my birthright as a child of God because of what someone did or what someone said. The pharisees called Jesus, the Son of the true and living God, who came to die for their sins "The prince of demons" they accused Him of casting out demons because He was in league with them! What a horrible, blasphemous thing to say but that's how a pharisee, religious demon operates. It deludes people who don't even have skeletons in their closets, but they have rotting corpses (stinking, secret things that they feel condemned and miserable about) in their closets, to feeling self righteous because they can do all of the outward things like speak in tongues, shout/dance, preach, teach, give offering, tithes and they can even work around the church and in various ministries but they fail to understand all of that done without the love of God is meaningless! When you are critical, judgmental, and accusatory of other people, you defy everything that God is...love! He doesn't accept our sin but unlike people God does not associate us with our sins and shortcomings, instead once we repent, He associates us with His Son, Jesus! This helps me because I'm not perfect, I have done more than my share of judging and criticizing people but when I see how people have judged and still judge; criticized and still criticize me not to mention how Christ was treated on my behalf then I understand that it is more important for me to love, forgive and pray for those who offend me than it is to do what this flesh finds easy and convenient and yet so destructive to me spiritually.
We are the arrow that points people in the direction of Christ. Your praise, your service and everything you do is in vain and will die with you if God is not your reality. Is He in you? Because if He is, love is in you, peace is in you, joy is in you, wisdom and temperance is in you! Your flesh will act up and attempt to stage a mutiny against the Holy Spirit but as soon as you relinquish your right as captain of your own ship and allow the Spirit of God to direct you; love, peace, joy, wisdom and temperance become habitual. It is then that no one and nothing external to you including your own flesh will become of such an offense to you that you abandon the One who loves you more than anyone else ever could and you will find yourself gladly going out of your way to love and demonstrate the love of God b/c of the love of God is in you! Be blessed, abundantly blessed!
Mediocrity hates greatness, so be great and let the haters hate!
Decisions, decisions, decisions...& Choices
He who assumes that life will be easy, is well lazy and more than likely spoiled and over-indulged. Life is filled with opportunities that are disguised as decisions & choices! What's the difference between a choice and a decision you might ask? That's an excellent question! The Webster's dictionary defines a choice as the act or opportunity of choosing or selecting whereas a decision is a determination arrived at after consideration. Hmmm...you have to choose to make a decision; you have to take the opportunity to determine after (careful) consideration what you want to do in this life so that you are making a good use of your time here on this planet.
As a teenager, I would pray that God would bless me so that I would not just be a waste of time, breath & space. By the time I turned 16 I realized that there were a lot of people who were choosing to make poor decisions regarding their lives and because of their total lack of decision making skills they became a wasted life! That was not God's plan for them but it was the life that they chose. The Bible also compels us "to choose this day whom we will serve...God or man". Choices are just us simply selecting a way of life for ourselves and that requires us to have good decision making skills and as is the case with skills they have to be nurtured and put in to practice often in order to be purposeful and successful. If you don't choose to make a decision about anything (especially in terms of your relationship with Christ) and you allow life to just happen to you, how will you ever know how awesome you are in Christ? How will you ever know just how wonderful and unique you truly are? You are God's gift to the world but until you realize the gift of God to be great that exists inside of you how will you ever progress beyond the boundaries of mediocrity? It all comes back to the decisions that you choose to make in this life and then be willing and strong enough to be accountable for the decisions that you make both good and bad! But first, make a decision! Thank God for Jesus because of Him we don't even have to rely on the strength of this flesh or our own understanding. We're able to utilize and draw from the mind and Spirit of Christ that lives within us! That's awesome! We don't have to figure anything out, we just have to avail ourselves to the wisdom of God's spirit within us and make a choice to make a decision! Not making a decision and fretfully sitting on the sidelines of life will result in mere existence whereas a life of choosing to nurture and practice good decision making through the wisdom of God will result in a life of flourishing and thriving! Pray for the strength to meet life's challenges head on and the courage and wisdom to choose the right things and make the appropriate decisions as they regard your life for "greater is He that is in you than he than is in the world". You can truly "do all things through Christ who strengthens you." Life may not be easy but when we fail to make the right choices and subsequently arriving at a decision which is simply a conclusion to a matter after careful consideration, we end up making life harder than it was actually meant to be.
Remember, mediocrity hates greatness so be great and let the haters, hate!
Be blessed always in Jesus' name!!
The Point & Purpose of Life
LOL! This is such a common musing of anybody who has ever wondered, "What in the world am I doing, here?" I fail to believe that there has ever been a person alive with the exception of Jesus, who didn't wonder why they were here on the planet earth? On this somber day in July when a man who has been hailed as an icon is being laid to rest, this is probably a question being asked in the minds of many people, "What is my purpose in life?"
Well, if no one ever told you, your primary person for even being created was to praise, worship and have intimate fellowship with God. Not religion, but an actual living relationship with The Most High God, Himself. Religion is nothing more than a poor attempt at a relationship with God while trying to at the same time excuse one's self from the responsibility of getting close to Him by implementing rituals and legalistic principles in an attempt to appease or please God. Know this, if you know nothing else in life, YOU can not PLEASE God! The Word of God says that our "righteousness is as filthy rags". Meaning that even at our most righteous by carnal standards, it is still not high enough or righteous enough in terms of God's standards. His ways are higher than our ways & His thoughts are higher than our thoughts. He sent His Son, Jesus to be the conduit by which we could have an intimate relationship and communion with Him. That's why I Corinthians 2:9-12 & 16 are basically stating that because of the sacrifice of Christ we have been given access to the mind and the Spirit of the True & Living God and this access gives us insight into the mind of Christ so that we may know and understand as much as is possible from the standpoint of these "jars of clay" God's plan & purpose for our lives.
Secondly, your purpose is to become a better person than you were the day before; the week before; the year before or even a decade ago! As you introspectively evaluate your life you must make clear, cut, & concise choices, decisions that will help you to become the better person that you need to be in order to thrive and live a fulfilled life. You should be taking an inventory of who you are and what your goals are so that you are not allowing life to just happen to you. You want to love who you are today with the realization that you have not arrived (none of us have!) and that there is work to be done. Life is a journey and a series of processes! It requires the work of trust of (get this!) trusting God! Not leaning on your own carnal knowledge and understanding. It's not easy but nothing worth having is and as simple as it sounds self-evaluation is never easy, not when you are truthfully and honestly evaluating yourself and trusting God doesn't come easy either. But resign yourself to the concept of God as some nebulous, impersonal spirit who is unattainable and/or inaccessible. You were created to be the temple of the Holy Spirit! It is all about God in you to help you utilize and more effectively become a reflection of who God is in the earth. When you allow yourself through Christ to define who you are, in other words when you discover your identity in Christ you will understand your individual purpose in this world and better adapt to your collective position as a worshiper.
Ultimately, the goal is to love God and in loving God you will love yourself and your fellow man as you should and that will in turn cause you to go beyond just living but actually thriving and flourishing!
Be abundantly blessed!
Modern Day Pharisees...Who Pretend to be Christians
After training to go into ministry from the age of 18 to the age of 30, I got totally burnt out on church and practically anything to do with the church. I couldn't figure out why I could go to work and share the same space with individuals, most of whom were by no means or stretch of the imagination Christians but who would treat me with dignity and respect after 8 hours a day and sometimes longer with overtime. But I could go to church and these people who could dance and shout around the church, speak in tongues, even preach could not find it within themselves (by the way they were claiming that Christ was in them) to be remotely civil or respectful let alone loving and compassionate! When I read through the gospels and I read about Christ and his behavior towards others, the only people Christ ever went off on or got upset with were the disciples because of their hard hearts and the Pharisees and other teachers of religious law because of their legalism or loveless religion.
I made a horrible mistake by leaving the church and through my offense and hurt I decided that I would pretty much live life on my own terms. My exact words were "I am a grown-a*% woman! I don't have to go to church anymore and be treated like crap!" Please understand that I had grown up in the church nearly all of my life. I had given my life to the Lord at the age of six after my parents' divorce and after being violently sexually abused by my grandparents' foster son. I received the gift of the Holy Spirit when I was 9 years old at an old fashioned tent revival. I was hungry for God and began chasing Him because of the hurt that I felt and I knew that Jesus was the only one who could make things right in me. I began reading my Bible on a daily basis, I began praying and later on I began fasting as well. People I didn't even know would come up to me and tell me how they could see God using me and blessing me. Several people told me that they could see God's anointing on my life. I didn't know exactly what all of that meant but it was exciting to think that God would see any use for me because I felt so damaged and alone even at the age of 9. Also understand that because my mother was a divorcee (this was in the '70's) and my grandfather was a church elder, she herself was considered the black sheep of her family and to other church folk. I was insistent that I would make God the center of my life but because I didn't know what that entailed and because my mother and the people around me were themselves trying to impress other people, I was never given a clear concept of making God the center of my life and instead fell into the trap of making religion the center without quite realizing what I had done. I thought that I was just fine but I wasn't and my choices in the future would reveal just how jacked up I truly was. With that being said, after I had left the church I decided that I wanted a family. It was the one thing that I had wanted my whole life since my parents separated when I was 3. Low and behold, I met this great looking guy. He seemed to be everything that I had been looking for in a man. He was intelligent, articulate, and he was a professional. He was a lot like me in that he was a nerd. He loved opera, I love opera. He loved movies, I love movies. We hit it off really well and I thought that he was the one but because I had chosen to live life on my own terms, I jumped the gun, jumped into bed after years of celibacy, and got pregnant with my daughter. I felt a lot of guilt and shame because although I was 30 years old because of my background everyone became even more critical of my life. Keep in mind that most of these people were the same folk who had their mouths all over my life when I was in church, teaching bible study and singing in the choir!
Note: If you are living your life to please people, you will never be happy because they will never be pleased!
I would sometimes break down and cry, rub my belly and apologize to my daughter for bringing her into the world the way that I did. God blessed me to give birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl who has been my inspiration to do so many positive things with my life since then. Well, after still squinting my eyes at the church and feeling even more isolated than ever as a single parent. I left the church again and around this time my daughter's father and I broke up because of some very serious deal-breaker activity in his life. I was hurt and feeling abandoned from every side: family, friends, etc. You name it, my name appeared to be Mud. It was then that I met my son's father and I knew that I wasn't ready for a relationship because I was still hung up on my daughter's father but I engaged in a sexual relationship with him despite my better judgment and that resulted in my becoming pregnant with my son. What I did was not wise by any means. It was selfish, irresponsible and just down right foolish! But I find it funny that a lot of the bible-thumping, hell-fire and brimstone, Christians who are so into being pro-life are the main individuals who are wagging their judgmental index fingers and giving the "nice-nasty" look of pity to single mothers such as myself.
Abortion grazed my mind in both cases because after realizing the depth of the "single mother" stigma I didn't want to be judged anymore but I ultimately knew that abortion was a decision that I couldn't live with knowing what I knew about abortion and the after effects of abortion on the mental, psychological and emotional health of the women who get them. Sure, I could've done it and there would be no outward evidence of my disobedience to God but if no one else knew, God and I would know what I did and I didn't want to further distance myself from God and I had already been battling suicide since I was a teenager (an abortion would've probably sent me over the edge). But now I have two beautiful healthy children, my daughter is 6 and my son is 3 and I love them and I see them as a wonderful revelation of God's grace in my life. Instead of allowing me to destroy myself through my rebellion, He gave me two great kids who have inspired me to be a better person and to serve God more diligently and faithfully than ever before.
The Pharisees and other teachers of religious law were judgmental, legalistic, carnal beings who said that they believed God and even taught the Word of God but when His Son came to earth to redeem them from sin they didn't recognize Him because they were too full of themselves. Most so-called Christians (they are actually just church folk, if Jesus was anywhere in them they wouldn't be so critical and judgmental of others) are no better than the Pharisees that Jesus chastised on a frequent basis in scripture because they failed to express who God truly was: a God who is a loving father, full of love, compassion and grace! He disciplines us as is necessary but He is by no means is some mean, ruthless, critical God who is looking from His throne disdainfully at us instead He sent Jesus because He loves us! Most so-called Christians filling the pews today have no love, no compassion and yet they would have the world believe that they represent Christ. Do they really? The Jesus Christ of the bible had compassion on people and despite their obvious sin, He still loved them. He is said to have hung out with the "worse kind of sinners" and when the Pharisees and teachers of religious law saw Him fellowshiping with the tax collectors, prostitutes, etc. they asked the disciples why would he consort with such scum. Jesus replies in Matthew 9:13 (NLT) "I have come to call not those who think they are righteous but those who know they are sinners." Matthew 15:7-9 (NLT) Jesus said, "You hypocrites! Isaiah was right when he prophesied about you, for he wrote, 'These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship is a farce for they teach man-made ideas as commands from God." I make no excuses for myself. Fornication is a sin indeed but church folk who are so contemptuously looking down their noses at me and women like me must first repent of the sin of condemnation and being judgmental in their own lives. Many of these church folk "pin flowers" on themselves for saving babies from abortion and yet the mothers who are responsible for not aborting their children are being treated like social pariah because the sin they have committed is so obvious! These ignorant hypocrites fail to understand that it is individuals like them that compel a young woman to consider abortion in the first place because they do not want to live with the stigma of being a single mother who became a single mother because of the sin of fornication. If I were still a weaker Christian I would allow these modern day Pharisees to run me away from the church, I might've even allowed their silly scowls and raised eyebrows to make me feel as if my only option was an abortion and therefore forfeit my blessings and intimate relationship with God. No way! I have been through too much & no one, I don't care who they are is going to keep me from being blessed and having a healthy relationship with my Redeemer or being proud and appreciating the gorgeous children that He blessed me to bring into the world! Although they are definitely counterproductive to Body of Christ, these Pharisees serve a dual purpose: they remind me that I need to be compassionate and loving towards others who have obviously at some point been out of sync with the will of God or who might not look like I do or talk like I do or act like I do. (For ALL have sinned and have come short of the glory of God!). They show me who I don't want to be like but they also compel me to show up every time the church doors are open "with bells" on! Either they'll begin to behave like real Christians and pray for me and my children and (not some holier than thou, self-righteous, religious prayer either!) or they'll fall away into the sea of their own sin. May the presence of me and my two children praising and worshipping God as a family, convict and compel them to know God in a greater way.
Mediocrity hates greatness...be great and let the haters hate!
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