The Brokenness

I don't even know how to start this post but let me give it a shot! How do you address the utter lack of integrity with regard to submitting or obeying the Word of God. Now understand that I am by no means speaking to those of you who may have your doubts as to whether or not The Bible is the true inspired word of God. I'm not even talking to those of you who have issues with the word "submit" or "obey". It's just proof of the day and time in which we live. There is such a pervasive spirit of rebellion and blatant disregard for anything of holiness or decency that it's really almost overwhelming. Now understand where I'm coming from, I'm not perfect and I have disappointed and disobeyed God prolifically but He has never ceased to love me or extend his grace and mercy to me and yet after experiencing such a great and awesome love how could I do anything other than honor Him and do what any grateful daughter would do for a loving Father, other than obey?

Earlier this year I went through a situation where there was a man in my life who I had come to love dearly. This man even expressed to me that he believed that believed that I was going to be his wife. I was looking forward to spending the rest of my life with this man. He seemed to be everything that I prayed for in terms of being a man who knew and understood what a helpmeet was, which is simply a wife who is assistant to her husband's goals and aspirations. Not that she does so to the neglect or detriment of herself but because she loves that man and respects him, if she has indeed been called to the ministry of marriage, she will help to nurture and facilitate the dreams and goals that God has placed in him and help him to bring those things to fruition.

This man seemed to be a great father in that he almost always had his sons with him and we had the same concepts of parenthood, marriage and relationships in general. But this was a long distance relationship, and he lived in another state. We carried on this relationship by phone. He was intelligent, a gentleman, and he had a professional career. He was very articulate and gracious and he was gorgeous! But for some reason, a reason that I can't explain, I freaked out! I'm not sure if it was because I felt myself getting closer to what I had wanted and prayed for all of my life or if it was because this man was so fine and intelligent that I did not feel worthy of him or what it was...look, I can't even speculate, I just acted a fool. Apart of me was so afraid that he would not honor his word to make me his wife and another part of me just wanted to prepare for marriage because I realized that I wasn't really as ready for marriage as I thought. I was 85 lbs heavier, I was seeking food for comfort, and in general I wasn't handling my business as I should have. There was so much lacking in my life at that time that I decided to take some bold steps and began getting myself together. So I started fasting and praying more, journaling, reading my Bible and submitting myself to God. The prospect of him as my husband "inspired" me to become the best that I could quite possibly be. But even in all of that, I was still anxious about my relationship with this man.

Because of my past and issues with pre-marital sex, I had vowed not to have sex with another man unless he became my husband. I was tired of being nothing more than a concubine or a baby's mama and I knew that I deserved to have a relationship that was sincere and honest and fulfilling, and my kids need a father they don't need mama to be with a man who is not willing to be that father that they need. Because of those issues it was settled in my heart and mind that there would be NO more sex outside of marriage! Enough!!

This man said that he was going to come to visit me in March for my birthday, and I prayed to the Lord that if his intentions in coming to visit me were to sleep with me then I didn't want him to come. Well, God answered my prayer and there was a big storm and a huge project that he became the manager of and as a result he ended up not following through with his plans to visit me for the weekend of my birthday. I was disappointed but also relieved because I didn't know if I would have the strength to resist him if he were to proposition me. I continued to fast and pray and I could feel a wedge coming between us, we had been talking since December of '08 and by April I went from hearing him everyday, in fact he made it a point to make me a part of his day, several times a day for several hours to once a week to not at all. My heart was broken and I was crushed but strangely enough I, in my brokenness started chasing God like I had never been moved to seek Him in my entire life. The voracious hunger and thirst for righteousness that I so often prayed would overtake others had overtaken me! I was prostrate on my face for sometimes more than 4-5 hours a day and between taking care of my children and handling other business, I was always in my Bible and my journal. It was such a difficult time but there was a growth taking place in me that I never would've imagined would happen to me as a result of such pain. I was hurt but every time the tears would come and the questions that I couldn't answer would flood my mind I would run to get on my face, get in my Bible or get in my journal so that I could dump all of my feelings out on paper or sit in my Abba's lap and cry to Him. He was the only one who could make things right in me. I loved and still love that man but I realized that I loved God more. I could've chased the man but I had enough sense to realize that chasing the man would not be within the best interest of my children or me.

I have been praying for others who are not saved and who are backsliders and my prayer has been that they will experience the same brokenness and desperation for God that I experienced. Because if it had not been for that brokenness and that desperate notion of needing my heavenly Father, then I think that I probably would've self-destructed, had a nervous breakdown or made some other ridiculous decision that would've truly made my life an even greater train wreck than what it was prior to my children and me becoming homeless.

Understand that just a few years ago I thought it was corny to refer to God as father. But through this experience I can now see where God desires to be my friend, my Lord but most of all He desires to be my Father and for a woman who grew up without the love and approval of my earthly father, it was comforting to know that I could run into the arms of God, my Father in prayer and read His word for answers to my questions and that He would always comfort me. It wasn't easy and I made it a point to seek Him and make Him the priority in my life. Now this time last year I had been weakened by fears of the unknown, including not being married and my children needing a dad; moving back to Ohio from Southern California, and just not trusting God like I should have because of my unwillingness to come back to Ohio. I had become suspicious of God's promises to deliver and bless me which I didn't fully understand that it put me in enmity with God. Jeremiah 15:19 (amp) says the following: Therefore thus says the Lord (to Jeremiah): If you return (and give up this mistaken tone of distrust and despair), then I will give you again a settled place quiet and safety, and you will be My minister; and if you separate the precious from the vile (cleansing your own heart from unworthy and unwarranted suspicions concerning God's faithfulness), you shall be My mouthpiece. (But do not yield to them.) Let them return to you – not you to (the people). Psalm 139:23-24 also says, “Search me O God and know my heart. Try me and know my anxious thoughts and see if there be any wicked way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.” So please understand that when we are anxious and suspicious of God's faithfulness and desperate for everything but Him, it's probably because there is sin in our lives. My sin was just being defiant. I was mad at God for my having to return to Ohio but I had no reason to be suspicious of his faithfulness, I was the one who was wrong. I still don't understand fully why I'm back here but such as it is God has been exceedingly faithful so, if I want to please Him I have to trust that He knows what's best for me and my kids and know that He'll perform all that he has promised to my kids and me.

My prayer for the reader of this post is that you will experience that brokenness and desperation for the Father. I know that this is not something that you may want to hear but sometimes that brokenness is the only way that we will understand that the God-shaped hole in us is no longer satisfied with the seasonal, temporary comforts of the flesh and of this world and is in need of something, someone who is permanent and consistent and that someone is Jesus! He's the only one who can make things right in you! Besides you're already forgiven, all you have to do is accept it! Whatever it takes to get you to the cross, so let it be in the name of Jesus! And if you are already a Christian but your priorities have been skewed to where you've been pursuing everything but Him, I am praying for your brokenness as well! Don't be afraid of the brokenness it is where your testimony lies, it's where your victory is, it's where you will finally find the peace and contentment that you've been looking for, for so long through all of the wrong things. When any hope of grace seems to elude you, the brokenness is the only thing that will provoke a desperation and a hunger and thirst for God that will usher you to His throne into His presence with the realization that what you're going through is bigger than you are and only He is capable of removing the pain and granting you the strength and wisdom to transcend every barrier to peace and progress. You've stayed in the place of apathy and bondage long enough, it's time to find your destiny and your identity in Christ through the brokenness.

Be abundantly blessed!!!!


Mediocrity hates greatness...be great and let the haters hate!


Mocha Brown aka Koretta L. Allen is available for public speaking engagements especially pertaining to subjects of single parenthood, being single, women's empowerment through the word of God and much more. Mochababybrown@gmail.com